The Myth of Normal 152

child’s protective response is to shut down her vulnerable emotions. That flight from vulnerability—whether instigated by stressful situations at home or in the context of the peer group—inhibits maturation, the emergence of a truly independent self. “There are indications that children today are losing their tender feelings,” Gordon Neufeld said in his penetrating European Parliament address.[7] “Many children have lost their sadness and disappointment . . . their feelings of alarm . . . their feelings of shame and embarrassment. Interestingly enough, research reveals when children lose their blush, they also lose their empathy. It turns out that caring too is a vulnerable feeling as it sets us up for disappointment. We know that the most wounding of all experiences is facing separation . . . Unfortunately, today’s children are subjected to more [parental] separation and more peer interaction than ever before.” The result, he concludes, is “a significant loss of feeling,” as the young brain’s defensive apparatus becomes stuck in an effort to “defend . . . against a sense of vulnerability that is too overwhelming.” Again, we see the child’s emotional apparatus being weakened, their felt sense of being human impoverished. But why should our children remain open to their own vulnerability? Are we supposed to want them to be woundable? Gordon and I addressed the subject in the book we co-wrote: Our emotions are not a luxury but an essential aspect of our makeup. We have them not just for the pleasure of feeling but because they have crucial survival value. They orient us, interpret the world for us, give us vital information without which we cannot thrive. They tell us what is dangerous and what is benign, what threatens our existence and what will nurture our growth. Imagine how disabled we would be if we could not see or hear or taste or sense heat or cold or physical pain. To shut down emotions is to lose an indispensable part of our sensory apparatus and, beyond that, an indispensable part of who we are. Emotions are what make life worthwhile, exciting, challenging, and meaningful. They drive our explorations of the world, motivate our discoveries, and fuel our growth. Down to the very cellular level,