Lekhny post -09-Dec-2021

                          THE LAST WISHES OF THE DEPARTING SOUL.

Often, I have thought deeply about the last desires and final wishes of a dying person. They haunt me and make me think about what might have been their state of mind in their ultimate moments. My mind boggles when I try to figure it out. I have thought genuinely about the last moments of the three most beloved and prominent people in my life.

The first person with a profound impact on my mind is my dad. He died of cancer. He was diagnosed with colon cancer. He underwent an operation to remove the tumor and also underwent chemotherapy. The last few weeks of his life he spent at home. He was a courageous man. He never showed his pain or his worries to us. He knew that we would break. He always wanted us to be fearless. When his last night came, he was a bit restless. He sweated a lot. Whenever I tried to wipe his sweat, he just gave a brilliant smile as though he was undergoing no anxiety. There was no dread in his eyes. Whenever my sister called out to him, he looked at her and grinned as though he had led a happy life and was ready to leave. He died without any struggle or panic. When I stared at him, his face shone like a sun, and unknown tranquility filled his face. I failed to understand what went through him when he bade final goodbye by looking at us one last time. Didn’t he wish to live a few more years for his princesses? Didn’t the fright of going to an unknown zone haunt him? Didn’t he think who would protect his daughter now? I go numb thinking of all these things.

The next person who boggles my mind is my mom. She loved me the most in this world. And why not? She knew me and loved me nine months before the world saw and recognized me. She was my first love, too, because of the love, care, and safety that I felt when I was with her, I felt nowhere. I remember the day she was admitted to the hospital. She was healthy. She just complained of giddiness and was treated for being anemic. Blood was transfused in her body. I was far from her, and I could not reach her because of the lockdown. When I called her a few hours before she left me forever, her words still echo and ring in my mind. She said that she was fine and just lacked hemoglobin in the blood. After the blood transfusion, she would be fine. She asked me not to worry about her. Her voice, though weak, was filled with confidence, and that gave me courage.

My mom could endure anything in this world except for my tears. My tears tore her down. After a few hours, my brother called me and said that my mom was not responding to anything. Her BP was dropping. She was in ICU. I asked him to place his phone near her ears. I started crying that she could not cheat me by leaving me like this. She had to come back for my sake. I wonder what was going through my mom then? Was she listening to me? Didn’t my tears increase her blood flow? How did she bear them? I know she must have craved for that last glimpse of me. I know she must have fought with herself to revive for my sake, but she might have failed.

 I know my mom. She was incredibly wise. She knew that if I were around her, I would not let her go. My tears would be a hurdle in her absolute path. So, she passed without letting me be close to her. But Mumma, we will surely meet. Beyond the moon and stars, in a world where there is no pain and separation. Once again, I will start my journey by growing in your tummy, nine months before the world knows me. I will never separate from you.

Lastly, the person who left me after mom was my uncle. He was dear to me. He was young and was admitted to the hospital because of deadly COVID-19. He was not only the one in the hospital, but also my other uncles (his brothers) and his wife were admitted for the same. His condition worsened, and he was shifted to the ICU, where he stayed for nearly a week. Every day, two to three corpses came out of that room where he was lying. I wonder what he might have felt seeing them die. Watching someone sick makes us ill, but watching someone die when you are also in the same condition might blast the mind and heart. I fail to realize his plight. Finally, he, too, succumbed to that dreaded disease. He was alone in that room. A door separated him from his dear ones. When his ultimate moment came, what might be his feeling. How much might he have been craving for that last glimpse of his family? His eyes might have wandered everywhere to catch a sight of them. His voice might have come up to his throat to call out to them. His heart might have craved for that solacing touch so that his soul could flow easily out of his body. What were his last wish and final desire?

All these questions creep into my mind making me restless, and I struggle to come out of them, but I fail. All of us have to go to that unknown, dark zone one day, leaving everything and everybody. What will be that last desire before we close our eyes forever? I fail to comprehend how it feels when we will be unable to fulfill it.

          ………………NOOR TABASSUM……………….