I Died That Night

 I don't really remember a time when I haven't experienced suicidal thoughts; they've been flooding my mind on and off for the past few years. It seems natural to say that I never really experienced an urge to live. I never understood how other people could say "I want to live forever" or "I don't want to die" and mean it.

On the 4th of April 2015 at around 2:00pm I did something that I have been hesitant about for weeks. I don't even know the reason as to why I did it, I wasn't really feeling down or suicidal, instead I felt cruelly happy to hold the power to take my own life, as pathetic as it may sound.

I held the morphine pills in my hand; thoughts racing through my head 'what will others think?' 'will they cry?' 'what does death feel like?'...I remained calm and open to death - I had the perfect timing in place too. My family were out shopping for Easter as I was all alone with plenty of time on my hands.

I got to work. removing them from the packet, 10 at a time and either crushing some of them or swallowing some whole. 60 in total. I washed it down with alcohol in hope to make it work faster. Then it hit me...'what if it somehow fails?' I recalled the event two years ago - I didn't want to be admitted to hospital again.

Of course, it was a really slow reaction - it dragged on for the whole day. I began to doubt everything, that was until I began to feel drowsy - with every minute I felt just a bit more sleepy. At around 11:00pm I went to bed, just waiting for it to happen already.

I began drifting away, falling asleep.

And all I remember was that it was the most peaceful sleep I had - so tranquil and devouring yet so dark and meaningless.

Suddenly, around 4:00am on Easter day I awoke to the loudest ringing in my ears. I was almost as if sleep walking but awake and alert - my head felt heavy, I felt so distant, I couldn't feel anything except for this crushing feeling in my chest. I had to force each breath; the feeling was somewhat indescribable.

I sat up on my bed with the help of someone, bursting out crying, only to realize that there were 4 medics or what I nickname them "ambulance people" all crowded around me in my room. One sat next to me, hand around a lamenting me, holding an oxygen mask to my face.

I automatically grabbed the oxygen mask, took it off to see if it would ease my pain when breathing. Confused I looked around my small room - wires on the floor alongside a defibrillator and a lady crouching down beside it. The man put the oxygen mask to my face again as I struggled to take another two or three breaths.

I looked at my left arm; a drip had been put there and bandaged up. Of course, being stubborn I took the oxygen mask off again shocked, beginning to feel thirsty and almost begging them to give me something to drink.

Reluctant at first, the one sitting next to me gave me a bottle of water and told me to drink "only a little". I felt no shame in having more than told to, and he had to force it away from me. I put the oxygen mask back on, trembling.

They proceeded to help me up and led me as my cries turned to sobbing. We made our gradual way out of my room; one of them securing me as I began shouting "leave me alone, I don't want you to save me" and "why did you save me?".

Going down the stairs felt an endless trip as I kept shouting out the same phrases through each sob. They led me outside and I began to groan that I was cold - I was aware of one of them muttering something to me but I am not really sure what it was.

They led me into the ambulance and I just lay on the bed, curled up with a blanket, crying and questioning why they saved me then I hushed.

The ride to the hospital was quick and I was then taken on the bed or stretcher down through a corridor and into a small room. There I found that they had performed CPR and injected Naloxone (an antidote for morphine) through the drip.

I had also learnt that I was found dead; my heart wasn't beating and I wasn't breathing. And to this day I believe it should have stayed that way because despite being brought back to life, I died that night.